A Hunger for the Theatre?

Animal Appetites

Barry Hill shares a Theatre Thought

My newspaper this morning featured a piece about a farmer who, fed up with complaints from townie neighbours who had moved into an adjacent house, posted the following notice on his gate:

Notice: This property is a farm. Farms have animals. Animals make funny sounds, smell bad and have sex outdoors. Unless you can tolerate the above, don’t buy a property next to a farm.

And I do sympathise with the said farmer having endured, most times I go to the theatre nowadays, the equivalent theatre-going ‘townies’ who don’t seem to appreciate that in buying a ticket to see a show, they might find that they have bought a seat next to someone who actually wants to see, hear and enjoy the play in a reasonably civilised manner.

Delicious juicy grilled burger on wheat buns. Studio macro shot

Would they suffer severe dehydration or starve to death if denied drink and sustenance for a couple of hours? It is a common sight to see theatre goers leaving the bar at the last possible moment and squeezing into their seats (almost always in the middle of a row) clutching a bottle of water (not too bad) or a glass of wine (much worse). We have even seen punters with smelly takeaway treats (inexcusable) and have heard of couples actually coupling (almost impossible, I’d have thought).

So maybe we should display the following sign outside Hampton Hill Theatre:

Notice: This is a theatre where people come to see and hear plays. If you wish to eat, drink or make out with your partner, don’t buy a theatre ticket. Go to a bar, a restaurant or consult an agony aunt or sex therapist who will be able to advise on a better, and more comfortable, position.

Barry Hill
May 2018

This article was first published in the May 2018 edition of Theatre, the magazine of Teddington Theatre Club, and is reprinted with permission